My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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