So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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