this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
