We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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