can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
