how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize