I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize