She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
