I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
