I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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