I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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