I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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