Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
