I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
