After last night, I could never be a politician.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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