I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
