you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
