Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
