I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
