They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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