Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
