Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
