I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
