why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
