I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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