I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
