Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
