We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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