FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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