I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
