he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize