was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
