Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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