Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
