I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
