Plan B is the new Plan A
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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