I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
