stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize