I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Are we still banned from the library?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
