"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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