Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
