I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
