i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
