I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
