I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
