ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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