theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
