You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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