Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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