U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
