dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
