I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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