We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He felt like a one man threesome
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
