having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
