I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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