I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
