I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize