Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
