Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
