And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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