This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
