I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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