I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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