Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize