I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
